Sunday, April 22, 2012

Normal? Or Not Normal?

Sometimes I seriously wonder if there is something seriously wrong with the way I think. I am kept up at night worrying about things like the impending zombie apocalypse (it's coming y'all, PREPARE YOURSELF), and how I could possibly be at the grocery store and someone might hit me with a buggy on accident, but somehow my leg breaks. Then while I am in the hospital with my broken leg there's an air bubble in my IV and BOOM. DEAD. All because we were out of milk. *sigh* I need to be back on Xanax, and that's bible right there. (That was for you Kristin. BIBLE.)
Also, I want to be friends with the woman who had to buy this bra. Because she has some huge bazookas and probably is awesome because of it:

For real y'all, one cup of this bra comfortably encased my whole head. I could have worn it as hat, but even then it would be a little too big.
On the same trip to the thrift store, Danielle and I found hats that were suitable for a royal wedding. Sadly I do not have pictures of these hats. We wanted to buy them SOOOO bad and wear them out into public for a day, but they wanted $15 for those hats! What the what?? Afterwards, we talked about it and decided that it's probably best we didn't get them because once everyone has seen us in those fabulous hats, we would never be able to wear them again, and the next hats we buy would have to be even better, and it would hard to have topped these hats. But I did find a good drinking shirt and these adorable piggy earrings:
(Notice it's a boy and a girl pig)

I wore them last night with the hopes of having a conversation starter, but as it turns out, no one really notices earrings. So I had to tell everyone to look at my amazing earrings and it totally defeated the purpose and was exhausting at that. Danielle bought some awesome seagull earrings. They also went unnoticed. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't disappointed. I would TOTALLY notice if someone was wearing rad earwear.
My spellchecker is not happy about the word earwear. If it isn't a legit word, it should be. Maybe I should send an email to the dictionary people and demand it be made a word. I could get a petition going and everything. EARWEAR EARWEAR EARWEAR. Take that spell check.

About Last Night...

Conversation between me and Danielle this morning following a party at JJ's:

(via text)

Me: I fell last night and busted my chin on a rock and have a huge strawberry. Sloppy sloppy sloppy.

Danielle: Fail Barbie fail

Me: You know it's a good party when you have to apply Polysporin to half your face the next morning.

Danielle: I'm proud you're using Polysporin on a less serious note. Did everyone happen to see it?!

Me: No. It was when we were walking to the car. But I mean damn! It be dark in those woods walking to the car! I'm pretty sure Brad and Chris Ruthven had to carry me to the car after Rhett Butler style.

Danielle: Oh shit guh! It was dark in dem woods! Hope that pretty face ain't too beat up

Me: The strawberry takes up most of my chin. It's pretty impressive.

Danielle: Boo I'm hungry

Me: Me too. Brad is going to be working outside in a little while. Wanna lay in the bed with me and watch Netflix?

Danielle: Yes after we get food

Me: Do I have to get out of bed for this food excursion? Because I really really don't want to

Danielle: No you don't

...and that right there is friendship bitches.

On a side note: Thank you JJ for hosting an amazing party. Thank you to everyone else for allowing me to be uncomfortably cuddly with y'all. And sorry for trying to kiss you Laura.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

There May Be A Restraining Order In My Near Future

So I spent my entire day completely involved in the book , Let's Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir), by Jenny Lawson.
It. Was. Hilarious.

And for the first time ever, I felt inspired to write a letter to an author. Notice how I call her "Jen" instead of "Jenny." Yes, I'm cool like that. But anyway, I thought I would share my fan letter with you all in hopes that it will inspire you to buy this book. It's worth it!

My completely NOT inappropriate fan letter went exactly like this:

"I just finished the book Jen! Yes, I read it over a 10 hour span and completely ignored my children in that time. I also had to put on a maxipad because I pee when I laugh. Thank you childbirth. I LOVED the book! So great! It is completely refreshing to (sort of) meet someone who has similar irrational thoughts and has also almost gotten into slap fights with my husband over whether Jesus is a vombie and the impending vombie apocalypse. By the way, I would at least survive a week. The Jesus conversation just resulted in my husband becoming extremely offended and telling me "he'll pray for me." That's Alabama for you. Anyway, I hope this comment doesn't get lost in all your other comments because the fan girl in me would be crushed if you didn't see it. I was planning to write a page long email explaining my love for your writing, but then I didn't want you to put out a restraining order. Or block me from the blog. Or buy a handgun. Then I figured that probably why you don't post your email address. Or maybe you do and my iPhone screen is just too small for me to see it. I have been reading for the past 10 hour after all. I'm going to wrap this incredibly long and stalker-ish comment up by saying thank you for making me feel like I'm not so crazy. Not saying that you are crazier than me. Or that your crazy at all. Okay...NECROPHELIA IS BAD.

Haha. I think I like that. Although my go to subject changer usually involves me referring to strange moles on my skin, or asking people about their bodily fluids and/or pooping habits. Am I the only person who shits once a week and thinks that that is normal?! I know there is some other chronically constipated, extremely bored person who is still reading this post and is all like "Hell Yeah Sister!!" So cheers to being one of a kind lady-friend. You inspire me to hold my freak flag high! Although, once again, I am not insinuating that you have a freak flag. But I'm pretty sure you do, and a cute little stuffed rodent is probably holding it for you. Maybe you have an oscillating fan that makes it blow in the wind and there is a little light that shines on it and it is a battle monument. FREAKING BRILLIANT. Someone should totally hook you up with that.

Unfortunately, your book tour is not coming to Birmingham, or Atlanta *sniffles* so my chances of meeting you are crushed for now. And I continue to make myself sound stalkery. I am totally not the stalking type. But it would make me happy if you signed my book. Well, I'd have to. It another one because I bought your Nook book. But even if I never get my future book signed, I will still post this to my newly started blog and tell all my friends to read your book! You're welcome. "

Hopefully she won't call the police. I wouldn't. I imagine that I would be completely flattered that someone would write all that to me. I might even cry. Seriously. And I think it would be effin amazing to have a stuffed mouse holding a freak flag in some sort of mini war monument. Maybe it can even wear a little soldier's outfit and look war torn. God I feel sorry for my children.

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