Tuesday, April 17, 2012

There May Be A Restraining Order In My Near Future

So I spent my entire day completely involved in the book , Let's Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir), by Jenny Lawson.
It. Was. Hilarious.

And for the first time ever, I felt inspired to write a letter to an author. Notice how I call her "Jen" instead of "Jenny." Yes, I'm cool like that. But anyway, I thought I would share my fan letter with you all in hopes that it will inspire you to buy this book. It's worth it!

My completely NOT inappropriate fan letter went exactly like this:

"I just finished the book Jen! Yes, I read it over a 10 hour span and completely ignored my children in that time. I also had to put on a maxipad because I pee when I laugh. Thank you childbirth. I LOVED the book! So great! It is completely refreshing to (sort of) meet someone who has similar irrational thoughts and has also almost gotten into slap fights with my husband over whether Jesus is a vombie and the impending vombie apocalypse. By the way, I would at least survive a week. The Jesus conversation just resulted in my husband becoming extremely offended and telling me "he'll pray for me." That's Alabama for you. Anyway, I hope this comment doesn't get lost in all your other comments because the fan girl in me would be crushed if you didn't see it. I was planning to write a page long email explaining my love for your writing, but then I didn't want you to put out a restraining order. Or block me from the blog. Or buy a handgun. Then I figured that probably why you don't post your email address. Or maybe you do and my iPhone screen is just too small for me to see it. I have been reading for the past 10 hour after all. I'm going to wrap this incredibly long and stalker-ish comment up by saying thank you for making me feel like I'm not so crazy. Not saying that you are crazier than me. Or that your crazy at all. Okay...NECROPHELIA IS BAD.

Haha. I think I like that. Although my go to subject changer usually involves me referring to strange moles on my skin, or asking people about their bodily fluids and/or pooping habits. Am I the only person who shits once a week and thinks that that is normal?! I know there is some other chronically constipated, extremely bored person who is still reading this post and is all like "Hell Yeah Sister!!" So cheers to being one of a kind lady-friend. You inspire me to hold my freak flag high! Although, once again, I am not insinuating that you have a freak flag. But I'm pretty sure you do, and a cute little stuffed rodent is probably holding it for you. Maybe you have an oscillating fan that makes it blow in the wind and there is a little light that shines on it and it is a battle monument. FREAKING BRILLIANT. Someone should totally hook you up with that.

Unfortunately, your book tour is not coming to Birmingham, or Atlanta *sniffles* so my chances of meeting you are crushed for now. And I continue to make myself sound stalkery. I am totally not the stalking type. But it would make me happy if you signed my book. Well, I'd have to. It another one because I bought your Nook book. But even if I never get my future book signed, I will still post this to my newly started blog and tell all my friends to read your book! You're welcome. "

Hopefully she won't call the police. I wouldn't. I imagine that I would be completely flattered that someone would write all that to me. I might even cry. Seriously. And I think it would be effin amazing to have a stuffed mouse holding a freak flag in some sort of mini war monument. Maybe it can even wear a little soldier's outfit and look war torn. God I feel sorry for my children.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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