Monday, June 4, 2012
Let's Have Some Real Talk...
So. Here's the schpill. Yes, I just made that a word, deal with it. Has anyone ever been a victim? Like...had something completely horrible and undeserved happen to you that changed your whole life in a second? Well, I have. Recently as a matter of fact.
How do you move on? What is the standard procedure to get back to normalcy?
Lately, it seems like a struggle to do even the very basic basic every day things. Just functioning is barely manageable. I can't go a single day without spontaneously bursting into tears. I could be completely fine one minute, then be in tears in about .05 seconds. I feel crazy all of the time.
Does time really heal, or is that something that people just say to make their pain manageable?
Don't even get me started about leaving the house. If I even leave at all since my "incident", I almost immediately have a small anxiety attack. Things that used to never bother me send me completely over the edge these days. It's hard to tell why, but I think my patience is so thin because I am working SO hard every minute of every day to keep myself together that I can't handle anything else being thrown at me.
I know it isn't healthy for my kids to see me break down occasionally, but I have no idea how not too. Even tonight, I am sitting on the porch of our beach condo, looking out at the beautiful bay on this gorgeous night, and I am on the verge of an anxiety attack because I am sitting out here alone. But sitting inside with everyone is almost worse because I feel like everyone feels differently about me since the truth came out. So....sit outside - alone and scared- or go inside and feel weird around my loved ones? Coin toss? I'd rather cry alone.
My life has changed forever. I need to accept it and know that this is my new reality. But fuck....I didn't deserve this new reality and I am just so angry. I was happy!! Everything was falling into place and in one split second, all of that was stolen from me. I think anger is a completely acceptable reaction, it's the severe anxiety and other things I worry about.
My mother in law recently made a very inappropriate comment about how my actions are affecting the development of my kids right now. Can I get a big fuck you please?? You get sexually assaulted and then you can talk to me about my actions. I really had no intention of bringing her into this blog post, but it just sort of came out so I'm going to roll with it. This is MY blog. This is MY place to express myself, and by God...I'm going to do it. This is where I can vent and be real and not have to always smile and be polite and say the right effing thing.
I wish someone could tell me that all of this will pass...and that I can actually believe them. I wish that my husband didn't go out of town the week I had to go to the hospital over all of this shit. I wish that for two seconds, my heart wouldn't feel like it's going to explode from my chest. But mostly, I wish I had never gone to the store that night.
Unfortunately, there is no happy ending to this story. At least not yet. But I am doing the absolute best I can and I hope that my loved ones can realize that and give me some G.D. time and space. Please bear with me when I don't answer the phone. Please look the other way when we are laughing and cutting up and I am suddenly in tears.
I know this healing progress is going to be LONG and very, very hard. I just hope that one day I can feel like "me" again.
Posted by Barbie at 9:47 PM